An OFNG is as an Old Fat Naked Guy. I think the acronym is appropriate. Say the letters out loud quickly, and you’ll hear why it’s appropriate. Oh F’n Gee.
There was another OFNG sighting at the gym this morning. That brings me to today’s topic. There are some things that cannot be ‘unseen’.
Most men in the locker room are modest. A typical dude at the gym will exercise, hit the locker room, shower, change, and then head out. While in the locker room, there are clearly moments of being naked – in the shower, drying off, changing clothes, etc. It happens. It’s natural. It’s fine. Most men are modest. They are naked, and then they are covered.
On one end of the spectrum, a few men are extremely shy. These men change clothes under the cover of a towel and never expose any skin. Some of the very shy ones carry their clothes into the shower with them and come out fully clothed. I’m not even sure how they do that. Our showers have no shelves or benches, yet somehow they manage.
At the other end of the spectrum is something much darker – the other extreme. Some men love being naked in front of other men. This is something that the rest of us don’t need to see. Some things can never be unseen.
My gym has hair dryers that are for shared use. I’ve always thought that these were to dry the hair on top of your head after a shower. My mistake. Apparently these hair dryers are for OFNGs to dry their entire body. There is one OFNG at my gym that is a hair dryer maniac! He doesn’t just do a once over. This particular hair drying OFNG spends a significant amount of time blocking the common walkway to the shower and thoroughly dries every nook and cranny on his entire body with the hair dryer. He kicks his leg up on the bench, does toe touches, and uses the hair dryer everywhere for a solid 5 minutes. Horrifying. I will never touch one of those hair dryers. Some things cannot be unseen.
There are a few OFNGs in this gym. Some of them sit in the sauna naked. No towel needed! Some of them sit on the bench naked. No towel needed! I guess nothing feels as good as a shared bench against your hot sweaty skin with no barrier between you and the bench, especially while you are performing some yoga position toe nail cleansing! One of the OFNGs at the gym spends a lot of time massaging his entire body with lotion. He then follows it up with entire regimen of home brewed medicated balms. How do I know these are home brewed medicated creams? Most OFNGs love to talk. Some things cannot be unseen.
Several of my coworkers go to the same gym as I do. Usually we run into each other, say hello, chat for a few minutes, and then go about our individual workouts. One of my coworkers will actually work out next to me on the bike or elliptical when he actually makes it to the gym. (You know who you are, Patrick!) Another one of my coworkers and I will see each other frequently and compare work out notes and then go on our own merry ways. Completely unbeknown to me, yet another one of my coworkers was one of the wild OFNGs. I didn’t even know that this particular coworker was even a member of the same gym. I didn’t know it at the time, but there is actually such a thing as an Old Fat Naked Guy ambush.
I had gone into the gym later than normal one day and was in a rush to get through my workout. I had finished on the bike, already showered, and was standing at the community sink shaving – wearing a towel. I was startled by a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, John! I didn’t know you came to this gym. Great to see you!”
My focus shifted in the mirror to see that standing behind me was a COWORKER OFNG! No towel, no clothing, no modesty. Coworder OFNG was basking in his own glory. I swear that he wasn’t even looking at me but admiring himself in the mirror. Even more disturbing was that the COWORKER OFNG was touching my shoulder. This crossed all lines. Worlds were colliding. You are not supposed to touch anyone in the men’s locker room. Ever! If you were going to shake hands, high-five, or make any contact at all, the unwritten law indicates that you should both be fully clothed – and it should actually be out in the gym. The locker room is a touch free zone.
After the initial shock subsided, I nodded my head, said hello and went back to shaving with more focus and an intense concentration that I didn’t even know was possible. The coworker OFNG didn’t go away. In fact, the coworker OFNG sidled up beside me and leaned against the sink to talk. He went on and on about things that I am still trying to block from memory.
I saw the coworker OFNG at work a few hours later in the office. It was haunting. It still is. Some things cannot be unseen.
I secretly told a few of the other folks I work with, and everyone got a huge laugh out of it. I got a little ribbing over the next few days. I thought that was the worst possible experience you could have at the gym. I was wrong.
Roughly three weeks later I had an even more awkward experience. For lack of a better term, recently-fired-coworker-OFNG walked up to talk to me. This was the same guy from a few weeks prior. He had been fired. I hadn’t yet heard. He worked in a different department. Apparently after giving him multiple chances to turn things around, his supervisor had to let him go. I had not yet heard about his departure when the following morning he walked up to me at the gym.
“Hey, John. Did you hear I was fired?” Previous Coworker OFNG had become recently-fired-coworker-OFNG. The events that followed are burned into my retina-memory for life. Running into a coworker old fat naked guy is an extremely uncomfortable situation. Being cornered by recently-fired-previous-coworker old fat naked guy is even worse. Having him ask you for a recommendation and really looking at you like he wants to hug it out still haunts my dreams to this day.
Some things cannot be unseen.